Food...The Real Gold

As I was working in our Garden yesterday, a beautiful August day, I looked at our struggling strawberry patch and how it looked like we might actually get it to produce after all. I reflected upon how excited John and I get over one sweet juicy strawberry that has been produced from our own hands in our own Garden. I also reflected on the abundance of our harvest as we gathered onions, tomatoes, two varieties of peppers, a zucchini (first one of the year) and broccoli to create our Sunday brunch with. As I looked at the basket containing our home grown vegetables I felt a sense of pride and accomplishment. It was our first year organic gardening and we were pleased. But there was more than personal pride going on here. As I listened to the voice within I could hear something very profound. “Food, it’s the real gold!”

We have become so disconnected to our food source and yet it is what truly keeps us alive. We need three things to survive in this world…good food, clean air and clean water. We can do without just about every other thing, except perhaps the roof over our heads and a way to stay warm and dry.

In watching the evolution of our species, from a very distant perspective of course, I could see man going from being hunters and gatherers to being stationary farmers to being consumers of material goods manufactured by large corporate entities. Each time we progress, or rather digress, we become more and more disconnected from the earth and more dependent upon others for the basic needs of our survival. The thing that really bothers me about this is that we are so hypnotized and conditioned to live this consumer lifestyle that most people never really stop to question how dangerous it is to put our survival in the hands of Corporate America.

The Analogy of a Tick

Disclaimer: For ease of writing any reference to a parasite in this article is in the masculine and the host is in the feminine. This in no way implies that all parasites are masculine and all hosts feminine. Switch it around!

We have removed a lot of ticks off our two dogs this season and I can’t help but want to use the tick as an analogy of a parasitic energy such as a narcissist.

A tick hops on the dog when it needs to feed. It is but a small insect but as it embeds into the flesh of the dog it begins to feed on its blood and grows larger and larger. When it gets its fill of blood it jumps back off and lives for a time on the food it has consumed. But after a time the food is gone and the tick seeks out the closest supply of blood he can find to puff his little body back up again. Sound familiar?

Since we usually find the tick before it can feast and exit we have to go through the grueling process of extracting the tick from the dog. First we douse it in alcohol and then we grab it with a pair of tweezers and gently pull until the tick finally tires of holding on and lets go. At that point we drown it in alcohol.

If we are not careful in the extraction of the tick and pull too hard we may separate its head from its body and the head will still be embedded in our dog, which is not good. And so the process of extraction is incredibly important.

Narcissistic people are parasitic. But they are wise enough to attach to the next source of food while they are still puffed up from the last source. This way they appear big and strong and worthy of attention and the prey doesn’t notice that his intentions are to suck the lifeblood out of her. In fact she doesn’t even know that she is prey.

In some cases when the parasite doesn’t find a new source of feed in time he may appear downright desperate and distraught. He then must seek out a soft hearted caretaker who is willing to nurse his wounds while he attaches himself to her.

After a time of having the parasite feeding off her life force energy the host, or prey, begins to feel depleted. She loses energy. She begins to feel like something isn’t right. She makes the fatal mistake of turning to the parasite for comfort and reassurance. Now he must do some fancy footwork to cover up his intentions (sucking the life out of her) and in order to keep her going on about her business oblivious to what is really going on he uses this opportunity to enforce in her doubt, insecurity, and a sense of worthlessness. This causes her to feel so badly about herself that she doesn’t realize she has a blood sucking parasite on her back.
When she does FINALLY realize what is going on she has to go through the long grueling process of extraction. Or in some cases he exhausts his source and hops off in search of a new one leaving her wondering what just happened. He seemed so attached to her. He was! Literally!

But that attachment was for the purpose of sucking the life out of her. She believed it was love. Now, having had her energy sucked dry she is not only depleted, but duped! She has been betrayed by the energy sucking parasite that came with promises of love, bliss and happiness.
For those who have discovered the nature of the beast early, then the long grueling process of extraction must take place.

How To Extract a Narcissistic Parasite

For a narcissistic parasite the most powerful method of extraction is starvation. You must completely withdraw your energy from the parasite until it is forced to go elsewhere for food. You do this by ignoring him completely. Don’t react, don’t respond, don’t engage!!! ZERO attention!

It is extremely important that you put your emotions aside during this process. You must NOT under any circumstances entertain the illusion of love that was created to suck you in. Think about it. It worked the first time, why wouldn’t he keep trying to convince you? He doesn’t want to lose a food source.

But if you starve the beast he will eventually go elsewhere. Ignore his hissy fits, his attempts at manipulation, and his attempt to get attention from you, whether positive or negative. If he gets violent or abusive call the cops! If he lives with you and it is your house, put his stuff out and change the locks. If he lives with you and it’s his house, move! If he lives with you and it’s both of your house, get an attorney.

The biggest problem most people have when extracting a parasite is that he or she is softhearted and doesn’t want to hurt the little bugger. Come ON! Get over it! He’s sucking the life out of you! You’ve got to grow a set of balls! Yes women, you too!

Sometimes our emotions get in the way of doing what’s right. And extracting a parasite is the right thing to do!

“But He’s a human being!”

Really?

Why do we want to get all soft with parasitic energies?
You know those movies where a woman finds out her guy is with three other women and so she contacts all the women and they are all waiting for him when he shows up for a date with one of them? Why don’t we do that? Because we don’t want to hurt his feelings? We don’t want to embarrass him? Or worse yet we don’t want to face the truth…that he is a life force sucking parasite.

The denial that you have a tick on your back is the worst kind of denial. A parasite sucks! Really!

Do you think he is going to give you a second thought when he is all hooked up to another host? And you are concerned about hurting his feelings? I have news for you. His feelings are so deeply buried that there is nothing to hurt. What you are hurting is his ego and his food supply. He has obviously shown you by now that he has no concern for your feelings. Why should you have concern for his? Really!

Why do we need to be so nice? Why do we need to care so much? Care for those who deserve caring! Be nice to those who deserve kindness. This is the time to get in touch with your inner bitch kitty! Let her out! Let him call you every vile, nasty, hateful thing in the book! Its O.K. Really! He’s just reacting because he’s not getting his way!

"Oh but I want him to see that I’m really a good person!”

Get over it! If your hook is having him see you as a good, kind, loving, attractive, sexy or smart person then you are going to lose! Really!

Let yourself be the Black Madonna! Let the roomers fly that you are the biggest fattest bitch on earth! Wow what a title! Be proud of it! Be worthy of it! Show him he is right!

Don’t try and prove yourself to him! He’s a parasite! What is there to prove to a parasite? Really!

When you have a parasite sucking your life-force it isn’t the time to be soft and gentle! It is time to be the beast! Rip that sucker out be the short and curlys.

Oh I was talking about gentle extraction wasn’t I? I got carried away.

Gentle extraction of a narcissistic parasite would involve starving him until he falls off.

And while you are starving him, feed yourself! Get your energy back. He hasn’t broken you. Not yet! But he will! If you don’t starve him! Give him even the slightest hint of food and he will jump back on and suck away.

Keep a journal and document what happens when you starve a parasite.

“Should I warn the new host that he is a parasite?”

Are you kidding me? And risk having him come back to you? Let him feast! She’ll figure it out soon enough.

The Age of Narcissism and the Emergence of the Feminine

I know it has been a while since I’ve touched based with you. My life has been a whirlwind of change and the accompanying emotional chaos. One thing I have realized about being a highly creative person is that I am always blooming with ideas and have my hands in far too many pots. I released my third CD Emergence last winter, am working on a new book, which is slow in the development, and also attempting to purchase the home on twenty acres that we are renting so that we can create a healing retreat center for people to come and have one-on-one healing sessions in a quiet, sacred environment.

In addition we have had people at our home for two months straight. Family visiting for my son’s highschool graduation, WWOOFERs here to help us plant our vegetable garden and clean up the property, friends on vacation and more family on vacation. I always loved the idea of having a place where people could come and heal, but at the same time I realize how much I need my peace in order to create and accomplish anything. So at the moment I am seeking balance and finding a way to create the retreat for part-time guests and also have plenty of time each month for myself and my work.

My work has been another area of confusion in my life. I love the work I am doing with narcissism and empowering women but there are times I need a break from having my life be about narcissism. Like many of you, the more I understand narcissism the more I see it around me. I am now convinced it is a worldwide epidemic.

As a spiritual seeker I have had to really go within and reflect on the issue of narcissism in our world. I have seen it in my love life, in my friendships, in my family, extended family, workplace, and also corporate America, the church and our government. I have seen people who seem to be bi-polar but have strong narcissistic characteristics. I have seen those characteristics in my own teenage son and many of my clients express concern over those same characteristics in their teenagers. I call it teenage narcissism.

Last winter I was interviewed by a woman on a radio show in Vancouver B.C. on the topic of narcissism. But when she started asking all the common questions about narcissism I found that I just couldn’t answer them the same way anymore. I knew that narcissism extended well beyond the personality disorder we all know about. It is more than a personality disorder. It is a spiritual disorder. This is why so many of you are not finding relief by visiting a psychologist. Although there is a strong psychological element, there is something far deeper going on. I’ve known this for a long time but as I go deeper into my work with narcissism I go deeper into my understanding that we are dealing with nothing short of a spiritual crisis in our world. Narcissism is the epitome of our lack of humanity.

I look at the Gulf Oil Spill and BP’s attitude of “Oh the Gulf of Mexico is a big Ocean why are you getting your panties in a wad?” There is that strong attempt to suppress our deep concern for the destruction of our planet. But we also need to stop and look at our own contribution to the sickness by looking at our dependency on what these large corporate entities provide us, like fossil fuels. Are we really ready to go out into the world tomorrow without gasoline for our vehicles? Are we willing to change our life so much that we no longer need the things government and Big Corporation provide?

It seems we are just as dependent upon the narcissistic entity to keep us comfortably numb in our material world as the narcissistic entity is upon us to support it. It is a symbiotic relationship where the narcissist not only needs what we have, but we need what he has. On a personal level I see that our major hook is our need to be admired, approved of, showered with attention, and made to believe we are special. We get that initially! We also get the promise of spiritual salvation from the church, the promise of security, hope and change from the government, the promise of health from the medical/pharmaceutical industries and the promise of progress and simplified life from big Corporation. But truly they are all empty promises. The more we put our faith in these outside entities the more we are misled.

Our personal experience with narcissism, the one that brought you to my Website is only a microcosm of the macrocosm. We are having the opportunity to experience what narcissism really looks like up close and personal. It is destructive! It cares nothing for humanity! It has no basis in love, caring, compassion or empathy. It is the expression of the worn out, dying patriarchal energy that has created an extreme lack of balance on our planet.

But the good news is that things are really shifting. I see this too. I see all these women coming to me that are going through their own process of spiritual awakening. They are stepping into their power and refusing to be unconscious. And there are many men who are writing to me as well and sharing their experiences of letting go of narcissistic mates. Because whether one is a man or a woman that patriarchal narcissistic energy can take root and control one’s life. I notice more narcissism in men than women because men are more conditioned to be narcissistic. The masculine nature is more rooted in the intellect, physical strength, extroverted, dominant and outwardly materialistic. The feminine nature is more intuitive, introverted, compassionate, empathetic, nurturing and inwardly spiritualistic. Yet both men and women possess masculine and feminine characteristics. And as our world evolves we are moving towards the balance of the masculine and feminine energies not only within each one of us, but also on our planet.

Because we are moving towards this masculine/feminine balance the age of patriarchal control and domination is coming to an end. But whenever something is in its last days it seems to get stronger, bigger, darker and more visible. And this is why we are seeing a surge in narcissism all over the planet.

Along with the surge in narcissism, however, is the emergence of the feminine. The feminine is finding its voice, is taking back its power and realizing that those qualities of nurturing, compassion, empathy, and intuition are crucial for the survival of our planet. The lion sleeps no more! The lioness is coming out and we hear her roar! She is the mother bear who will no longer stand by and allow the patriarchal, narcissistic energies to destroy our planet. And if you are one of those women, or men, who are waking up from a long, deep sleep to find that the one you have been sleeping with is plagued by narcissism, then you have work to do. This work is not just personal! It is global! By waking up, stepping fully into your power, finding your voice and also your purpose for being here, you are contributing to the emergence of the feminine into her rightful place alongside the masculine. We are no longer allowing ourselves to be dominated, controlled, suppressed, and made to feel we are somehow inferior! That game is over! It is time to be who you have come here to be.

As I step back and look at what I have been doing in the past year I see my CD “Emergence” which is the soundtrack for the emerging feminine energy. I see the work I am doing with narcissism which truly is more about facilitating the emergence of the feminine energy. I also see my passion and focus on natural, fresh living food and health, which is necessary for us to heal and get off the medication of processed and poisoned food provided for us by yours truly, the narcissistic corporate entity that could care less about your health. It is all important!

As we awaken we must awaken to the truth about the darkness we have been living in. We must find the strength within ourselves to unplug from the narcissistic world, and stop supporting it with our time, money and energy. And this is my focus! Helping people to unplug, to find their strength and their power, and reconnect with that feminine energy within is really what I am passionate about doing. And I invite you to consider your life and purpose as well. While in the midst of personal crisis it may seem you are without purpose. But perhaps you are really going through your own process of emergence which will take you more fully into your true self and allow you to do your part in facilitating the emergence of the feminine in a patriarchal, narcissistic world.

It's All About The Energy

Today I took the morning off and went to my son's hockey game. Yes I am a hockey Mom. I find the energy of the hockey games so intense that today I found solace behind the glass wall between me and the arena. I sat with other professional Mothers and we talked about how nervous we get about the games.

I know psychologically that I shouldn't get so caught up in the energy, but sometimes I find it difficult to resist. I can feel all that testosterone on the rink running wild. My empathy for my son, the Goalie, is so strong that I cringe every time the puck gets close to the net. It was the State Championships for Washington State and it is only four games that stand between these young men and the opportunity to go to New York for Nationals. " It's a game!" My mind knows this! Yet it is also the energy of striving to do ones best. And that's what competition is. When you do your best and you join with others who are doing their best, then there is an energy of victory! And victory is a powerful energy! But it is not victory over another. It is victory of personal accomplishment or team accomplishment. It is when each person does just a little bit better than the time before.

One of my son's teammates broke his arm last month in Portland during a tournament and was back on the ice today with a cast on his arm. He made the two of our three goals wearing a cast. Now that is determination! We won the first game three to zero and the team was filled with that energy of victory and a vision of going to Nationals.

I made a very interesting observation of energy today. One of my son's teammates, is an eighteen year old bad boy. I don't necessarily feel he is a good influence but I trust my son to figure it out for himself. When walking through the crowded lobby he accidentally bumped into me when his head was up in the air smugly  looking around, observing his surroundings. Without looking down he said something to the affect of "watch out B*tch!" Without thinking I moved right into his energy field like I was going to attack and he was so startled by my energy that he jumped back with wide eyes. At the same time I said "What Did You Say?"

Nothing else needed to be said or done. I sent a message and it was done in such a way that I didn't ever have to think about what I was doing. It just happened. I felt strong! Like a Mother Bear! Only the Young was my own fragile self. The part of me that had been "bumped into" far too often without respect. Now respect is earned through the process of respecting myself. If you show people you respect yourself they automatically seem to respect you. But if you let people walk all over you, they just will! It is all about the energy!

In the past I was afraid of being powerful. Perhaps being powerful had far too great of consequences in the past and so I suppressed my energy. My coming alive has been about turning the tables and beginning to really express myself! I really feel this is the key! The more I enforce my energetic, internal boundaries the more I can safely step out into the world. But when my boundaries had completely been eroded and I was raw and open, I couldn't function in the world. Everything was a threat!

When I was so open my energy was being extracted by everyone who came into my energy field, especially the ones who had completely invaded my energy field. I felt like I had to be nice! I had to be kind! Polite! Caring! Loving! All of those things!

The interesting observation I made today was that it never occurred to me to be any of those things. I realized that I was really losing my illusions of myself as being anything at all, other than who I am in the moment. I didn't have to be anything for anyone anymore! And when I don't need to be anything for anyone I get to keep my energy for my own life! What a concept!

Who said we had to expend our energy so that others wouldn't have to? In times, we may choose to do this if someone we love is sick, or to lend our energy to the raising of child. The relationships I had developed with intimate partners were simply not fair exchanges of energy. I gave too much for too little yield. I allowed them to dump their negative crap on me and take my good energy. I plummeted deeper into darkness as they were lifted up. I was unknowingly feeding them with my energy at my own expense.

I learned that this process, I often call recovery, is really a process of taking our energy back. Soul  Recovery is a sophisticated way of saying it. But it is really "energy" recovery. That life force pulsing through your veins is energy! That energy can be used for good or it can be used for bad, but it is all the same energy. It is the energy of our life! It is our gift! We have every right to keep our energy for ourselves! We don't have to give it away! We don't have to allow people into our psychic space, which is the invasion of our boundaries.

Our boundaries are what protect our energy and keep it in our own body. I believe this is the way it is supposed to be. We are supposed to keep our own energy! That is what keeps us alive! When we continue to leak our energy or allow it to be extracted through vampiric people, we slowly begin to die. Our energy is to our spirit what our blood is to our body. Without the light of our spirit dwelling fully inside our body we are but a vacant shell of a person.

Where my son is wearing an armor of pads to protect him from the puck, I wear an invisible band of energy to protect me from the energetic pucks of life.  As a Goalie he has to move almost intuitively to stop those pucks from getting through him and into the net.  Just as I must intuitively move with the punches of life to stop the crap from getting in. 

I think today I have given a whole new meaning to Hockey Mom!  Sarah Palin...Watch Out!

Sedona Women's Empowerment Retreat

 April 29- May 2nd

Sedona is a magical place alive with the energy of the sacred vortex sites. You will feel the energy of something ancient and eternal pulsing through your veins.

It is said that Sedona has a way of magnetizing your life lessons and mirroring to you what you most need to learn in order to have the greatest spiritual growth. In my six years as a Spiritual Student in Sedona I found this to be true.

This is also a powerful place to gather, to hike amongst the red rock formations and do ceremony on the land.

In our Sedona Women's Retreat we will visit many of the sacred vortex sites, hike some of my favorite trails, sit in circle and pass the talking stick, do sacred ceremony, laugh, dance, share, eat good healthy food, and get some much needed Rest and Relaxation.

Find Out More...

Revealing Your Authentic Self 

The theme of this retreat is "Revealing Your Authentic Self." We will be looking at the many ways we hide behind our illusions and also discover who we are and what we really want to create in our lives. 

Creating the life of your dreams is about knowing your true self and from that place of self awareness knowing what is truly important to you. 

Find Out More...

Understanding Your Part In The Dance

When I wrote about taking responsibility for our part in the narcissistic relationship the article pushed a lot of buttons with readers and some didn't fully understand what I meant.  I realize this is a hugely important topic because taking responsibility, where we need to, can be the difference between getting past the relationship or not.

In narcissistic relationships it is easy for us to fall into a pattern of taking responsibility for the stuff that belongs to the narcissist in our lives.  Since he or she doesn't take responsibility the narcissist projects blame onto you!  We often end up feeling it is our fault and that the end of the relationship is our fault.  It is difficult to move past the relationship when you continue to blame yourself for the failure of the relationship.

Responsibility can be a tricky thing.  A narcissist has a personality disorder which means he comes from left field and doesn't often make sense.  The mistake we often make is thinking that he knows he isn't making sense.  To the narcissist he is making perfect sense!  For example lets say you took out the garbage last night only the narcissist insists that he took out the garbage and their must be something wrong with your memory.  Crazy making, right?  But this is a typical type of scenario in a narcissistic relationship.  The narcissist confuses reality and then blames you for it.  Is this your fault?  Of course not!  Your responsibility in that situation is to stick to your version of reality.  "I know I took out the garbage!"  Where you lose energy is trying to convince the narcissist of your version of reality.  It is an energy drain!  Even if he remembers that "yes you did take out the garbage" he won't admit it because then he would have to be wrong!  And a narcissist doesn't admit wrong doing!  At least not often!

When the relationship is over you are left with so many unanswered questions.  Perhaps the narcissist blamed you for the ending of the relationship and why he/she found someone else to replace you with.  Since the narcissist may have appeared to have moved on without the normal emotional reaction that comes with the break up of a relationship, you may be left wondering what was so bad about you that he can just walk away without any emotion.

As you sort through the ruble of the broken relationship it is normal to look for clues as to what went wrong.  In the narcissistic relationship so many people get stuck in this stage because there are no real answers.  Learning that a previous mate was a narcissist or had all the characteristics of Narcissistic Personality Disorder can be a great relief but it only helps us on the level of the intellect, not the emotions.  It is on the emotional level we get stuck!

When in a relationship with the narcissist there is a lot of emotional chaos created and the painful memories are embedded in this emotional chaos.  Telling yourself the guy is nuts doesn't seem to have the power to reverse the embedded emotional impact.  You can know on an intellectual level he is nuts but emotionally you still seek his approval and validation.  This is because this pattern of seeking approval and acceptance was a large part of the relationship.  "Please tell me you know that I took out the garbage!  I need for you to validate my sense of reality!"

Why Can’t I Get Over It?

Taking Responsibility!

Learning that your partner is a narcissist can bring a great deal of relief as you realize the source of the crazy making behavior you have been living with. However enlightening this information may be it doesn’t seem to have the power to stop the incessant dwelling on thoughts of the narcissist and how that person has effected your life.

As much as learning about narcissism can bring a sense of awareness and even relief I have found that taking responsibility for ourselves and our own part in the relationship brings the greatest amount of healing. 

Although we are not responsible for the behavior of the narcissist, we are responsible for our own emotional reaction to that person and also for learning the life lessons that are brought to us through this experience.

Life has a way of putting us in situations that force us to grow beyond our self imposed limitations. Whether we are struggling with fear of abandonment, low self esteem, lack of confidence, dependency, neediness, powerlessness, or all of the above, the narcissistic relationship will bring our deepest wounds to our attention.

The mistake most of us make is believing that the narcissist is causing our pain. He is merely triggering the pain that is already lying dormant within us. We can so easily be attracted to the narcissist on an unconscious level in order to grow past our previous limitations in the quickest amount of time. Although it may take years to fully embrace the lessons brought to us by a narcissistic relationship, if you truly embrace these lessons you can come out years ahead of where you might have been otherwise. I’m not talking about where you were materially but rather emotionally and spiritually. Material status comes and goes, but our emotional and spiritual state is the foundation for who we are in the world.