I know psychologically that I shouldn't get so caught up in the energy, but sometimes I find it difficult to resist. I can feel all that testosterone on the rink running wild. My empathy for my son, the Goalie, is so strong that I cringe every time the puck gets close to the net. It was the State Championships for Washington State and it is only four games that stand between these young men and the opportunity to go to New York for Nationals. " It's a game!" My mind knows this! Yet it is also the energy of striving to do ones best. And that's what competition is. When you do your best and you join with others who are doing their best, then there is an energy of victory! And victory is a powerful energy! But it is not victory over another. It is victory of personal accomplishment or team accomplishment. It is when each person does just a little bit better than the time before.
One of my son's teammates broke his arm last month in Portland during a tournament and was back on the ice today with a cast on his arm. He made the two of our three goals wearing a cast. Now that is determination! We won the first game three to zero and the team was filled with that energy of victory and a vision of going to Nationals.
I made a very interesting observation of energy today. One of my son's teammates, is an eighteen year old bad boy. I don't necessarily feel he is a good influence but I trust my son to figure it out for himself. When walking through the crowded lobby he accidentally bumped into me when his head was up in the air smugly looking around, observing his surroundings. Without looking down he said something to the affect of "watch out B*tch!" Without thinking I moved right into his energy field like I was going to attack and he was so startled by my energy that he jumped back with wide eyes. At the same time I said "What Did You Say?"
Nothing else needed to be said or done. I sent a message and it was done in such a way that I didn't ever have to think about what I was doing. It just happened. I felt strong! Like a Mother Bear! Only the Young was my own fragile self. The part of me that had been "bumped into" far too often without respect. Now respect is earned through the process of respecting myself. If you show people you respect yourself they automatically seem to respect you. But if you let people walk all over you, they just will! It is all about the energy!
In the past I was afraid of being powerful. Perhaps being powerful had far too great of consequences in the past and so I suppressed my energy. My coming alive has been about turning the tables and beginning to really express myself! I really feel this is the key! The more I enforce my energetic, internal boundaries the more I can safely step out into the world. But when my boundaries had completely been eroded and I was raw and open, I couldn't function in the world. Everything was a threat!
When I was so open my energy was being extracted by everyone who came into my energy field, especially the ones who had completely invaded my energy field. I felt like I had to be nice! I had to be kind! Polite! Caring! Loving! All of those things!
The interesting observation I made today was that it never occurred to me to be any of those things. I realized that I was really losing my illusions of myself as being anything at all, other than who I am in the moment. I didn't have to be anything for anyone anymore! And when I don't need to be anything for anyone I get to keep my energy for my own life! What a concept!
Who said we had to expend our energy so that others wouldn't have to? In times, we may choose to do this if someone we love is sick, or to lend our energy to the raising of child. The relationships I had developed with intimate partners were simply not fair exchanges of energy. I gave too much for too little yield. I allowed them to dump their negative crap on me and take my good energy. I plummeted deeper into darkness as they were lifted up. I was unknowingly feeding them with my energy at my own expense.
I learned that this process, I often call recovery, is really a process of taking our energy back. Soul Recovery is a sophisticated way of saying it. But it is really "energy" recovery. That life force pulsing through your veins is energy! That energy can be used for good or it can be used for bad, but it is all the same energy. It is the energy of our life! It is our gift! We have every right to keep our energy for ourselves! We don't have to give it away! We don't have to allow people into our psychic space, which is the invasion of our boundaries.
Our boundaries are what protect our energy and keep it in our own body. I believe this is the way it is supposed to be. We are supposed to keep our own energy! That is what keeps us alive! When we continue to leak our energy or allow it to be extracted through vampiric people, we slowly begin to die. Our energy is to our spirit what our blood is to our body. Without the light of our spirit dwelling fully inside our body we are but a vacant shell of a person.
Where my son is wearing an armor of pads to protect him from the puck, I wear an invisible band of energy to protect me from the energetic pucks of life. As a Goalie he has to move almost intuitively to stop those pucks from getting through him and into the net. Just as I must intuitively move with the punches of life to stop the crap from getting in.
I think today I have given a whole new meaning to Hockey Mom! Sarah Palin...Watch Out!
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