The Quest for Perfection

In my journey through life I have quested for perfection. Trying to get everything right and be what was expected of me. By family, by society, by men’s views of women. It ended up in my eventually breaking down and falling deep into the void. My rebirth has been a process of surrender. I surrender the need to be anything for anyone except myself. My life is my gift and what I do with my life is the gift I give others.

Since I wrote my E-books and started focusing on narcissistic abuse a new career path unfolded. I didn’t expect it to happen that way. It just did. I followed my bliss, the inner calling. I found myself here extending my heart and soul to the pain of those who are just now breaking through. But even here I failed in so many ways. I could not be something for everyone. I could only offer who I was. I have received a lot of beautiful letters from so many of you and also some real hate mail that felt pretty heavy to me. I’ve had people angry at the way I run my business and people trying to manipulate me with the concept that I should be better than that. I should walk the higher path here. And suddenly I feel like I have some kind of hat I am supposed to be wearing for the people who look up to me.

But guess what? I don’t want to wear a hat! I don’t even really want a title. I just wanted to help! And since I was devoting so much of my energy providing a place for people to heal, I wanted to be compensated for my efforts. I kept the counseling fees low and the book sales supported the continuation of the Website. Still had people write me and tell me I should be ashamed of charging money to victims of abuse. I am taking advantage of hurting people. Ouch!

I realized as one steps out into the world on his or her divine path that he has to meet a great deal of obstacles and slay a lot of dragons. Perhaps narcissism was my initiation. It was the beginning of what it was that launched me into the world. But I feel I am finished with that chapter of my life.

As I let go of the need to have my life reflect any kind of perfection I step into more of the freedom of who I am becoming. It isn’t about pleasing anyone. If you are served by the gift I give than I am honored I could serve. My life is better for having made a difference in yours.

In letting go of perfection I have also let go of the need to be perfectly edited in my writing but editors, thank you for all of your well meaning advice.

I am also painfully letting go of traditional marketing concepts and trying to just focus on sharing who I am. Believe me this is hard for me because I am used to being able to hide behind a great marketing concept. It shelters me from being too up front and vulnerable. I sometimes feel the softer I am the more certain people want to throw arrows at my soft spots.  I don’t like arrows! But I’m learning to protect myself. In a healthier way. And letting go of perfection is such a relief. I realize I don’t have to give energy to those who want to fix some aspect of me or my presentation. It is really O.K. that I am who I am.

I had one woman write to me and tell me that she really identified with the book but it was so poorly edited that it was hard for her to take me seriously as a professional. “Well than don’t! Please! Don’t take me seriously!” I’m O.K. with that! I’m sure that for everyone who writes something like that there is another ten or twenty people thinking it, but out of the thousands of copies I have sold over the years I have received one or two complaints about the editing. More often I hear about how the book really helped people realize they aren’t crazy! Wow! That is a really good thing to know! Don’t you think?

So I’m not a great editor! I love to write! I really do! It is one of my greatest passions besides my music. I communicate with you from my heart and it is raw and unedited! And yes I try to make a few bucks while I’m at it. Because I too need to eat! I too need to be supported for my work. My goal was never to make it rich. It was to help! And I have been blessed that this work has paid my rent, some months.

Lately it seems to be changing however. It feels I’m being pulled in another direction and I have to take the leap. That direction is still writing and counseling and offering programs but I’m expanding beyond narcissism. I have written my piece on that and I don’t want to keep going back anymore. I have brought a lot of writing and articles to narcissismfree.com and I will continue to post. But my work is really heading towards the music and the audio programs. I am revamping my healthinspirations.com Website and making it a portal for my various audio programs which I will be adding to each month. These are all healing type hypnosis programs that help to influence change on a deeper subconscious level.

I am excited about offering these programs because I can offer something that will really help people and it doesn't cost  a lot of money. I am also making myself available to counsel and do hypnotherapy sessions. Something else I love to do.

I have a lot of other irons in the fire including the launch of my new CD “Emergence.” It really embraces the energy of the 2012 emergence. This is an energy that is getting peoples attention. It is as if we all know on some level that we are going through a major shift. And I’m excited to be a part of the positive vision for humanity. Forget the doom and gloom. I’m voting for the Rebirth! That is where the energy of this CD is! Rebirth!

And so my story unfolds and so does yours! I hope you will stay plugged into the energy of rebirth along with me. It is the energy that pulls us from our limited caterpillar perspectives to the emergence of the butterfly.

I thank you for your years of support with NarcissismFree.com. I am not leaving but I am expanding. I hope you will expand with me.

Love and Blessings!

Kaleah